- Are you all right? - [ Groans ]
- You are in over your head, mister! - I'm so sorry.
I mean, I will-- I will call-- It's just my wife is out of town.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come here. Come here.
- Dad, can I killJake now? - No, you finish washing the car first.
- Dad, can you get this Band-Aid on me? - Yes, yes. Come on. Come on.
- Let's go. Okay, come on. Everything will be all right. - [Jessica ] Oh,Jake?
- Give me the Band-Aid. - That's the last time you put a bucket on my head.!
- Does that hurt? Okay, good. - [ Gunner Barking ]
- There it is. All right, good. Good. - [ Telephone Ringing ]
[ Nigel ] Hey, Nigel, wanna play darts?
No! No playing darts! I told you that!
- Hello? - Hi. How's it goin'?
Oh, everything's fine. I'm just, uh-- I'm just here. I'm just, uh, making dinner.
- Yeah. - Dad, check me out.!
- Isn't this awesome? [ Yelling ] - How are you?
- Good, I guess. - [ Sarah ] Sorry, Dad.!
I mean, it's kind of weird having all this free time.
- You sure everything's all right, honey? - Oh, honey, everything's fine.
- [ Both Yelling ] - I can handle it.
All right, you know, I'm just used to tag-teaming to manage the mob.
- So I thought-- - Oh, no. They're like kittens.
- Whoa! - [ Sarah ] Sorry, Dad.!
Uh, well, this might be a good time then to talk about me staying a few extra days.
- What? A few extra days? - Uh, 1 4, give or take.
[ Whispering Loudly ] What did I say about throwing darts?
That's a lot of days, Kate, and a couple of key games.
All right, but I have a plan. If we just take it one day at a time...
and if you start to get overwhelmed or the kids stage a coup...
you call me up, I'm home, end of trip.
Well, uh, s-s-sounds good. Sounds good.
- [ Both Giggling ] - Got him in the face!
Okay, honey, thanks for doin' this. Give me someone.
Oh. Hey, uh, you know what? They're doing homework right now...
and it's that math, uh, trig-- ''trigadronomy'' thing that you and I just aren't very good at.
And it's the sweetest thing. They formed a little study group...
and they're helping each other, and, uh, it's like a little mini, uh...
- think tank thing. - [ Nigel, Kyle Laughing ]
And I'd just hate to break that up.
Well, give everyone my love, and you call me right after dinner, okay?
- Okay. Will do. - Bye. - [ Glass Shattering ]
- Bye. - [ Nigel ] Come on, Dad. Don't hide in the closet.
[ Kyle ] Take it like a man.!
Two weeks'll go by in no time, guys. You'll see.
[Jessica, Kim ] Yeah, right.!
Yeah, right.
- [ Knocking ] - Yeah?
- Hey. - What's up?
- Okay? - Come in.
[ Clears Throat ]
Look,your mom's not coming home for a couple of weeks.
What?
Okay. Up till now, I've been, like, mellow...
about this whole having-it-all lifestyle that you and Mom are currently into...
''A,'' because Sarah has the drama queen role totally covered...
and ''B,'' because I've benefited from your salary spike...
in various shallow but nonetheless pleasing ways.
But, Dad, check it out. This afternoon, Mike was repelling from the roof...
Nigel was using Kim as a human dartboard...
and you employed your son as a vomit mop.
Call me crazy, Pops, but things are getting pretty twisted around here.
I need to hire some help.
As in a babysitter? Okay, that is so not happening.
Dad,just call Mom and tell her we need her back home.
I just can't do that right now, not with all the work she's done.
It just wouldn't be fair.
Well, then why don't you spend more time at home?
Honey, that's just not an option right now.
I've got a big job, a job that I love.
I'm gonna have to call in some backup.
[ Tom ] Hello.
Uh, my name is Tom Baker, and I'm interested in hiring a domestic helper.
Um, I have 1 2 children.
Actually, I'm serious.
-Just 1 2. - Twelve.
There's only two. Oh, plus 1 0.
How many kids? Well, uh, when you get here we can just count 'em up.
Well, there's 1 2. But one doesn't live with me...
and one you never see 'cause he's so mad.
Uh, a dozen?
Just-Just-Just 1 2.
Hello. I'll just hang up on myself.
###[ Rock On Radio ]
- Hey, Dad. - Hey, Mike. What's up?
- It's Mark. - Right. Mark. What's up?
I don't get this math homework.
Hey, you know what? I've got a game I'm not nearly prepared for.
Could you go ask one of your sisters to help you?
Yeah. Okay.
[ Groans ] Forget it.
Hello. Yeah, could you do me a favor...
and send up 1 2 pillows to 504?
Yes. [ Sighs ]
Thank you.
Mmm. That'll be good.
''Hey, kids, I had to get to work.
''Lorraine and Kim, you're in charge of breakfast.
Henry and Jake, lunches. Charlie, handle drop-offs.''
- [ Bell Ringing ] - Come on, Charlie. We're gonna be late.
Cute car seats, Baker. [ Chuckles ]
You know, we had to take our little brothers to nursery school...
if that's okay with you.
What happened? Did-Did Mommy and Daddy go back to the farm?
You know what? This whole ''harass the hick'' thing's getting pretty old.
Actually, I'm just gettin' started.
- Yeah? What else you got? - Yeah.
- You don't wanna know, man. - Oh, I wanna know.
Charlie! Charlie, Charlie, stop.
Stop.Just let it go, okay? Please.
Yeah, Charlie. Let it go, and go...
- all the way back to Podunk. - [ Girl Chuckles ]
- Charlie, go. - Go.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, Gil, I got a real shot with this team.
They're 2-0. They're rising in the national standings...
and they're taking nothing for granted.
- Hey, Coach. - Hey, teenager, what's up?
- We need to talk. - Sure.
- Look, Dad, um-- - Hey, guys, knock it off!.
[ Boy ] All right, Coach.!
I know you're all lit up about this new job...
- but my new school-- - The press is waiting, Bake!
- They're out there now? - Yeah. Come on. Get dressed. - Hey, can we do this later?
Hey, kids. How was your day at school?
I'd say the high point was that you're only 45 minutes late picking us up.
Hey, you know what? There was a pep rally at school today.
There were 20,000 people in the stands, and I just couldn't leave.
- Here. - Hey, you did a drawing.
''My favorite place in the world--''
Is that the Midland house?
President Gerhard and I have been waiting for a half an hour.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had to--
I know you have responsibilities at home, Bake, but this is it.
This is your shot, your moment, not theirs.
What's the matter with you? What are you doing?
You've wanted this for as long as I've known you.
[ Sighs ] I just don't want to see you blow it.
I'll work something out.
It's hard to believe someone as staggeringly beautiful as you...
could deliver 1 2 children and still look as yummy as you do.
[ Laughing ] Oh, that's so sweet.
I guess the camera can't see my hips.
[ Kelly ] Tell us, did you have them conventionally?
[ Audience Laughing ]
[ Chuckles ]
Well, uh, after the sixth one, they just kind of walked out.
- [ Audience Laughing ] - Why don't you read us a little something from your book?
Oh, I don't know. No. People can just buy it and then read it.
- Oh, come on. - The audience wants it.
- [ Audience Cheering ] - Oh, all right. Okay.
[ Clears Throat ] ''Some, uh, call me a mom.
''Others call me a primary caregiver.
But they both mean the same thing: chauffeur.''
You know, it sounds like you and your husband have things under control at home.
Oh, well, I'm lucky to have him. We sure do.
Kids, on the carpet! Now!
[ Gasps ] Dad!
College guys? [ Gasps, Squeals ]
- What's goin' on here? - Where's Charlie?
-He went to Midland for the day. -Midland? It's a school day.
- He hates school. - 'Course you couldn't know that 'cause you're never home.
Well, that is about to change, Sarah Baker.
Because since I can't go to work without you guys getting in trouble...
and since I can't stay home without Shake bugging me...
I have brought my work home with me.
Guys, meet the family. Family, meet the team.
- 'Sup, boys? - What's up?
Okay, we will be in the living room. We got a lot of work to do.
I don't want any interruptions unless it's an emergency. Clear?
Okay. Now go do your homework. Let's go, guys.
[ Tom ] All right, first team, line up.!
[ Grunting ]
Good. Good. Good.
But you hit 'em too high. You wanna hit 'em low.
[ Indistinct Shouting ]
Twenty-four.
Dad, come on!
Hey, how's New York?
[ Together] Hi.
Okay, I've gotta go now.
I love you.
[ Indistinct ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Indistinct ]
[ Laughing ]
Step off, missy!
You don't talk that way unless it's with humor!
Something tells me you had an unpleasant interaction with those boys, Mark.
They knocked my glasses off.
I heard you were dissing my family.
I don't even know your family, loser.
- You do now. - My latte!
[ Shouting ]
Coach, give us a quote.
Violence begets violence.
[ Tom ] All right, enough is enough.
You're slacking on your chores. You're fighting at school. Things are out of control.
As of this moment, you are all grounded.
- What's ''grounded''? - ''What's grounded?''
I'll tell you what grounded is. Except for attending games...
you go to school: you come home from school:
you do your homework: you do your chores:
you go to bed: and that's it.
- But that-- - Oh, yes, Sarah, I know. That sucks.
- But that's the way it is. - Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?
-That's exactly what it means. -We bought his presents already.
You are going to miss it!
Now, go to bed!
Hey, Gunner. Wanna get up on the bed, buddy? Huh?
- Come on. - [ Groans ]
Come on.
[ Quiet Chattering ]
- Hello. - Next year, let's book the Mormon Tabernacle Choir too.
Whatever happened to pin the tail on the donkey?
And on the end around, the guard pulls. That means you, Buttler.
###[ String Quartet ]
I'm going to Dylan's birthday party. Who's with me?
Yeah!
Hi-- Oh.
Brazilian mud viper. She gets one live rat a week.
Hey, Dylan. Wanna play catch with the football I got you?
Uh, my nanny'd have to check with my dad...
who'd have to check with my mom who would say it was an inappropriate use of free time.
Hmm. Sounds like a ''yes'' to me. Go get it, Mike.
And, O'Neal, you gotta crack the first guy that shows outside.
[ Man Shouting ] Run, Billy.! Run.!
[ Children Screaming, Shouting ]
[ Shouting Continues ]
Kids?
[ Shouting Continues ]
[ Hissing ]
[ Laughing ]
Get my kids. I'll meet you at the house.
- Ready! - [ Together] Break!
- [ Laughing ] - [ Screaming ]
Sarah Baker, off, now!
- No way! - Don't make me come up there!
[ Man Yells ]
Oh, my God! It's gonna blow!
[ Tom Screaming ]
- [ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ]
[ Screaming Continues ]
- Aaaah! - [ Screams ]
It was my best birthday ever, Coach.
Your children are never playing with Dylan again!
- Sorry about your arm, Dylan. - [ Cell Phone Ringing ]
- [ Woman Continues Ranting ] - Hello, Shake.
Any idea what this could do to my program? Don't speak. Listen.
I don't want the players at your house, and I don't want your kids in the department.
- There he is.! - Coach! Coach! How will this impact Saturday's game?
Coach, what do you have to say to reports that you're simply spreading yourself too thin?
- Is this child care or football? - Sarah from Evanston, you're on with Kate Baker.
Mom, it's Sarah.
Hi, Sarah. Is everything okay?
- Come home immediately. - I wanna talk to her!
- No! Guys! - [ Children Shouting ]
- I wanna talk to her.! - Guys, stop!
- [ Line Beeps ] - Hello?
Now look what you did.
- Dad? - Oh, Nora.
Thanks for coming. Thank you, thank you. I appreciate it.
- You seemed kind of desperate on the phone. - Yeah. They're... everywhere.
You guys?
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]
- Hi. - I just talked to the kids.
Yes, I know everything. Dylan's in the hospital.
Charlie's about to be expelled. And Nora taking time off from her firstjob to babysit?
- Can we do this later, Kate? - No, Tom.
You promised me that you would let me know if you couldn't handle it.
I'm doing the best I can. Please, let's talk later.
Bye.
- What's the matter? - The book tour's over for me. I'm going home.
[ Sighs ]
[ Nora ] Get a move on, guys. We gotta get dinner on the table.
[ Answering Machine Rewinding, Beeping ]
[ Kate On Machine ] Hi. It's me. Okay, I'm coming home.
Now, I know this is gonna be a big strain.
The publishing company arranged for the Oprah Winfrey Show to tape at our house tomorrow...
which is,you know, great, but I'm really gonna need your help.
We're talking Bakers full force. Boys, you clean up the outside,;girls, the inside.
I want everybody in fancy, nice, clean clothes.
And, Tom, if you could please supervise this one last thing, I would really appreciate it.
- Okay? All right. Bye. - [ Machine Beeps ]
Sounds like somebody got his jimmy whipped.
[ Chuckles ] Jimmy whipped!
[ Screams, Groans ]
Mommy!
[ Clattering ]
[ Dog Barking ]
[ Croaks ]
Beans, you okay?
[ Phone Ringing ]
- [ Both Yelling ] - Go get dressed, guys.
- [ Woman On P.A., Indistinct ] - [ Tom On Phone ] Hello.
Oh, it's me. Yeah. My flight was delayed. They lost my luggage.
I'm gettin' there as soon as I can. Sorry.
Okay. Those are for Oprah's people!
- Is the house clean? - We're working on it, Kate.
- Okay. I'll see you when I see you. - [ Phone Beeps ]
Okay, guys, good job! Go inside and get cleaned up.
Come on! Hustle up! Hustle up! Let's go!
[ Snoring ]
[Jake ] Camera truck's here.!
I need warm water! Look out, Dad!
Don't make a mess in the kitchen!
- [ Knocks ] - Hello? Uh, Baker house?
- Yeah. You guys from Oprah? - Yes, sir.
- She's really gonna be here? - Any time now.
Okay, well,just, you know, set up anywhere.
- Will do. - Let's go, guys.
All right. Let's set up over here, guys.
- [ Charlie ] Knock much? - You got kicked off the team.
Well, look who decided to be a parent!
Let's check that attitude, Charlie.
I don't fit in this town, Dad. I'm going back to Midland.
You are not dropping out of school, and you are not walking out on this family.
What family? [ Scoffs ]
Since we moved here, everybody's been looking out for number one, especially you and Mom.
Your mother and I are doing what we think is best for everyone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You did not take this coaching job for us.
You took this because you were a loser in college while Shake was being a superstar.
If you want your shot at glory, if you wanna have it all, you do what you gotta do.
But quit feeding us this line about being a happier and stronger family.
This move was about you! And you know what?
I don't have to sit here and pay the price for your life choices. I'm leaving.
You're staying.
Are you gonna make me?
Charlie, I love you.
I want you to have the best life you can have.
And that means you're getting a diploma.
When I graduate, I'm gone.
Hey, Charlie, am I looking okay for national TV?
You know, you turned into a jerk when we moved here!
- [ Door Closes ] - Everybody turned into a jerk when we moved here.
[ Engine Starts ]
Charlie?
[ Lorraine ] Mom's home.!
- Mommy! - Mommy!
- Mommy! Never go away again! - Hi.
- Mom, listen up. Here's the sizzle. - I missed you, honey.
Okay, Dad is stressed to the point of a total meltdown.
Charlie's like a half a step away from juvie, and Mark's--
Okay. Oprah's coming. We'll talk about it later. Here we go.
- Whatever. - I just wanna get everything ready.
- What's the deal with Charlie? - Fine, thanks. How are you?
- I'm sorry. Hi. - Hi. Charlie got kicked off the football team.
- What? - Don't worry. I'm handling it.
- [ Knocking ] - [ Sighs ]
Shake. President Gerhard.
- Tom. - Tom, we need a minute.
- [ Croaking ] - Please don't die, Beans.
The university is prepared to make an investment in the program...
but we want some assurances.
- What does that mean? - We wanna know you're committed to the football program.
You have to decide who's making the bacon and who's cooking it.
[ Shake ] So what's it gonna be, Tom?
Tom, didn't you pick up my dry cleaning?
Yes, dear. It's in the front closet.
Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.
The wife's name is Kate, Shake.
What a wiener.
We want an answer by Monday, Tom. This meeting's over.
[ Toys Squeaking ]
I'm all right.
[ Doll's Voice ] I love you.
I'm gonna go get ready.
- [ Gasps ] - Sorry, Dad.
What's this?
Hank slept over. Do you have a problem with that?
Yes, I have a problem with that! This house is G-rated.
Whoa, chief. Look, Nora's a big girl.
Now would be an excellent time...
for you to be very, very quiet...
chief.
Now, get dressed and get downstairs.
Whoa.
I just-- I can't believe you let things get this bad around here.
- I can't believe it. - What can I say?
You didn't pick the perfect moment to have a career.
Oh, okay, yeah. I'm not even gonna touch that hypocrisy.
You told me to go to New York. Mr. I Can Handle It.
''Everything'll be okay. Go, Kate!'' Help me, would you?
So you're telling me you didn't want to go to New York?
No. I want a lot of things. So do you.
- That's the problem. - This isn't working.
- Yeah. That's my point. - I meant the zipper.
Let's just get through the next hour, okay?
- Fine. - Fine.
[ Kate ] Okay, everybody. I know it's been a diffiicult day...
but I need all of you, and I would appreciate it if you could just put on happy faces.
Everything's great. We're a big, happy family.
If you can remember the lines I told you to say to Oprah.
If you can't remember, don't say anything. Big smiles. Let me see 'em.
Mom, Beans is dead.
Nobody cares about your stupid frog, FedEx.
Stop calling me that!
- [ Children Yelling ] - Don't you dare call him that.!
[ Yelling Continues ]
- [ Tom ] All right.! Hey.! - Stop it! Stop it!
What's the name of this segment again?
Uh, ''One Big Happy Family.''
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's people right now.
All I'm saying is, families are inevitable.
It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
- [ Kate ] Leave him alone.! - Hello!
Look at these-- They're monsters!
- [ Yelling Continues ] - Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Nora.! Come on.! We need you down here.!
[ Lorraine ] You're stepping on me.! Stop.!
[ Kate ] Nigel, get off your brother's head.!
Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
- Nobody cares about me! - Mark, what's going on?
- Mark.! Mark.! - What are you talking about?
- I'm perfect! I've never done anything like this before! - No! None of that!
- Hey! Hey! - No, you do not want to come down here.
No, it's the farthest thing from a happy family.
[ Yelling Continues ]
Why am I the only normal person in the family?
Feel free to sleep on the couch.
You read my mind.
Daddy, are you and Mommy gonna get a divorce?
Come here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Mark's gone.
[ Knocking ]
- Mark's gone. - What?
Hey, Dad.
What I said before-- I was out of line.
Forget it.
You were right.
- [ Gunner Barking ] - [ Children Yelling ] Mark!
- [ Phone Ringing ] - Hello.
Hey, Mark ran away. Is he with you?
No. We'll come help you look.
There's me! Oh. [ Chuckles ]
- Mark's missing. - Oh.
[ TVNarrator ] Take it to the max. Tommy Max.
Let's go.
I look great.
Did you not hear me? My brother is missing!
No. Did you not hear me? I'm on TV!
What was that for?
Oh. What do you want?
My son Mark ran away. He's not here, is he?
I always knew one of your kids would land on a milk carton.
Twelve is just too big a number.
- We'll help you look for him. - It's-It's past Dylan's bedtime.
We're gonna look for him, Tina.
- Thank you. - Sure.
Let the police handle it! You'll never find him!
Oh, we'll find him. Like you said, 1 2's a big number.
- Mark! Mark! - Mark.!
He's about, about-- about that high.
He's got red hair and glasses. There's a photo, and you can keep that.
No luck. I've been everywhere.
Thanks for looking.
- Where's Hank? - He's not gonna make the cut.
I hope the family isn't to blame.
They're totally to blame.
I'll have officers check the train and bus stations.
- He wouldn't get on a train or a bus. - He might've.
Those times when I ran away from Midland, I was gonna go to Chicago.
My favorite place in the world.
Your favorite place in the world.
[ Man On P.A., Indistinct ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Train Whistle Blowing ]
You said we'd be happier. You didn't keep your promise.
I know. I'm sorry.
[ Train Whistle Blows ]
Mom.!
Oh, honey! Oh!
[ Laughs ] Oh, we missed you, sweetheart.
Do that again, I'm going to have to pound you.
- But I thought I was FedEx. - Your eccentricities and vision problems...
are genetic traits that could be attributed to any number of the Baker ancestors.
Yeah. Without you, we wouldn't be the 1 2 Bakers anymore.
We'd be, like, 1 1 .
I figured everybody hated me like Sarah and Lorraine hate each other.
There are times when I want to kill Sarah...
but I'd kill for her all the time.
- Come here, cutie. - [ All Laughing ]
Tom? You wanna say something? A few words?
Sure.
Beans was a good frog.
He was, uh, not like a lot of the bad frogs...
you hear about today, all hopped up.
- [ Chuckles ] - He was lovable. He was almost human.
He was like, uh, one of the family.
Except that, of course, he was green and he ate flies.
But he was a hopper.
He hipped and he hopped.
He loved hip-hop.
Mark, why don't you-- I think you should say something.
For a long time, you were the only person I could talk to.
That's different now.
But you're the one who got me through.
Thanks.
I'm resigning after the season, Shake.
Giving up the dream, huh?
Just going with a different one.
No regrets?
If I screw up raising my kids...
nothing I achieve will matter much.
Thank you.
We'll make an announcement at the end of the week.
Come on. Keep the assembly line up here. We gotta get this done.
- Where's Dad? - He went to the game.
Why didn't he ask us to go?
Because... he didn't want you to be there on the day that he quits his job.
- He's quitting his job? - Mm-hmm.
- What would we have to do so he wouldn't quit? - I'll give up clarinet lessons.
- I'll go back to hand-me-downs. - [ All Talking At Once ]
Okay, ease up. Everybody listen.
Dad's a big boy, and he makes his own decisions...
and he's doing this because it's what he wants.
In that case, I totally take back what I said about the hand-me-downs.
I thought so. Anybody else wanna take back their offer?
Yeah, there we go. [ Chuckles ]
[ Kate Narrating ] I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland...
we had a mess of theories about how to raise children.
We still have a mess of children, but no theories.
Sure, 1 2 is still our number.
It's the number of months my book was on the best-seller list.
It's the number ofjob offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home.
- Hike! - [ All Yelling ]
And each day, it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.
[ Chattering ]
###[ Rock ]
What happened to you?
Oh, my God!
[ Laughing ]
Save the eggs!
Yeah, you got room for all your big old family in that new apartment?
- [ Director ] You're on camera, Steve. - Sorry. I am.
You idiot.
Yeah, you got room in your new apartment for that--
Battle ax of a wife of mine?
You got--
[ Director ] Act angry, not grumpy.
- I really am grumpy. - Well, that's good.
Two times?
- Two times. Ready? - Then going outside?
Yeah. Actually, we're almost done, so let's do it.
On your mark, get set, go.!
[ Together] I don't wanna move! I don't wanna move!
Cut. Goodjob. Okay?
I listened-- I listened the ''goodest.''
I don't wanna do it anymore.
- One more time. - Last one and you're outta here.
- [ Frog Croaking ] - Cut! Cut! Cut!
Somebody help me! Help me!
- Whoa! -Just for the record, Mom--
Be careful, pally. Slow down on that stuff.
You're not gonna remember a damn thing in school if you suck 'em back like I do.
Now, on the end around the guard pulls.
That means you, Buttler. Whoa.
- Cut.! - [ All Laughing ]
- Action.! - Frankly, I'm concerned.
I go around those kids, they start beatin' on me.
What if I get a black eye? [ Laughs ]
Frankly, I'm concerned, honey. The kids set me on fire, they beat me.
They're abusive. [ Laughing ]
This is how I get jobs, right here!
I'm sorry. I looked at myself in the camera.
I'm so-- good-looking. They set me on fire!
- Sounds good to me. - All the kids wrapped in duct tape.
Maybe we can just roll, roll ourselves in duct tape...
and then I can just roll you across the floor.
Together, maybe.
[ Laughter ]
Ow!